Taste Test

I think in the six years I've been blogging my all-time most popular feature, hands-down, has been the Taste Test. (Scroll back to However, I haven't done it since 2005 when we were still living in Dubai.  Ethiopia simply didn't offer the awesome array of appalling and mysterious snack items.   If you look back at the other Taste Tests, all of which can be found by going to this page (except number five, which has a broken link because I somehow duplicated it, but you can fix that if care to), you notice that the worst items are almost all from East and Southeast Asia; Ethiopia paled in comparison.

Now back in Northern Virginia, however, I’ve found an enormous (and awesome) ethnic grocer with a huge number of options for actual cooking and tasting.  Today’s sample is pretty mild.  I have to get back into practice.

Product 1:  Brazilian Pudding Pocky

Ingredients:  Wheat Flour, Sugar, Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (Shea Nuts Oil, Rapeseed Oil, Palm Oil, Sunflower Oil), Lactose, Whole Milk Powder, Shortening (Rapeseed Oil, Palm Oil), Sweetened Condensed Milk, Seasoning, Cacao Mass, Cocoa Butter, Salt, Dehydrated Egg Butter, Yeast, Cocoa Powder, Soy Lecithin, Artificial Flavor, Trisodium Phosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate
Production Location:  Tokyo
Label Languages:  Japanese, English

Pocky is known to me.  But I saw the “Brazilian Pudding” flavor in a Chinese grocer in NYC and had to pick it up.  I honestly have no idea what to expect from Brazilian Pudding flavor.  What the hell is Brazilian Pudding?  And why are there no Brazil nuts?  Do I have to get a Brazilian afterward?

Look at that ingredient list!  25 separate things listed, with a real abundance of Rapeseed Oil.  Apparently, the Brazilians adore rapeseed.

The kids are helping me out….let’s break it open.

Hmmm….it’s a totally boring stick with about an inch of some sort of white and brown coating.  Mysterious.  The stick is kind of sweet.  The Brazilian pudding dip at the end is very sweet, and it’s really not bad.  I can’t describe it exactly, but I feel let down that it’s not disgusting.  The kids are demanding more.  They’ll eat the whole thing.  I might help.  I’ll keep my pubic hair, though.

Product 2:  Unknown

Ingredients:  Unknown
Production Location:  Unknown
Label Languages:  Korean

Apparently, Koreans absolutely adore these hollow tubes, served up by a fat white European in a chef’s outfit. Look how pleased the chef is!

 I do not know what these are, but they’re probably safe; they look like random potato snacks.  I can’t imagine they’ll be very good, however.  The picture doesn’t make it very clear, but there is a small chili in the corner above the sunflower, so maybe they’re spicy?

The only thing I know from the package is that these things are 100%.

They look like dehydrated freedom fries.  They smell like a kind of chili Pringle.  They taste like Funyuns with a light ketchup coating.  This is not a good combination.  Too sweet, and not spicy enough.  And I don’t want ketchup on my Funyuns.  I also don’t want my Funyuns.  The kids, again, love them, which tells me that I’m not going gross enough.  Mercedes is taking the leftovers to school tomorrow for a snack.

Product 3:  Muscat Gummy

Ingredients:  Sugar, Corn Syrup (Corn Starch, Water), Concentrated Muscat Juice, Gelatin, Oblate Powder, D-Sorbitol, Acidulant (Citric Acid, Malic Acid), Pectin, Artificial Muscat Flavor, Palm Oil, Emulsifier (Glycerin Fatty Acid Ester, Soybean Lecithin), Artificial Coloring (FD&C Yellow No. 5 (Tartazine), FD&C Blue No. 1 (Brilliant Blue FCF), CONTAINS MILK INGREDIENT
Production Location:  Nagoya, Japan
Label Languages:  Japanese, English

Questions:

A)     What the hell is a muscat?  Isn’t that in a Captain and Tennille song?

B)      What does “CONTAINS MILK INGREDIENT” mean?

C)      Where can I get me some Oblate Powder? 

The front of the package reads as follows, awesomely:

“Its translucent color so alluring and taste and aroma so gentle and mellow offer admiring feelings of a graceful lady.  Enjoy soft and juicy Kasugai Muscat Gummy.”  (Italics mine).

I am definitely looking for some admiring feelings from a graceful lady.  Let’s open up the package.

Individual packets with a heart-shaped, vaguely green piece of gummy candy inside.  The smell is overwhelming—a clear combination of artificial grape flavor and D-Sorbitol.  So unbelievably chemical-y.  The fake grape flavor actually isn’t bad.  I’ve had way, way worse gummy products, especially chocolate-covered gummy bears.  But I can’t shake the suspicion that I will soon have advanced stomach cancer. 

The whole thing, though, does remind me of a gentle, mellow, graceful lady.  Like Pamela Anderson.

Product 4:  Maeda-En Red Beans Azuki Flavored Ice Cream     

Ingredients:  Milk, Cream, Sugar, Cooked Red Beans, Corn Syrup Solids, Whey, Water, Guar Gum, Beet Powder Color, Caramel Color, Mono and Diglycerides, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Cellulose Gum, Locust Bean Gum, Carrageenan
Production Location:  Irvine, CA
Label Languages:  English

Melissa’s comment upon seeing this was “Oh, that’s probably good.”

The Japanese have this whole schtick with bean desserts—little dumplings stuffed with sweet red bean paste, etc.  Melissa loves it.  I hate it.  We’re pulling the kids in different directions on these desserts. 

I’ve never had the ice cream, though.  I only wish I knew what Azuki was. 

I haven’t opened the package yet, but the “beet powder color” is a little terrifying.  But now that I have looked, it’s not that interesting.  I expected it to be bright red, and I had the camera ready. But it’s sort of tan.  It has no smell at all. 

Trying it, though I feel like I should have a little wooden spoon…..

Not bad, really.  Grainy, too sweet and OH NO THE AFTERTASTE IT BURNS IT BURNS OH SHIT IT’S LIKE SOUR MILK MIXED WITH SUGAR SYRUP PLEASE KILL ME NOW

Product 5:  Calpico

Ingredients:  Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Nonfat Dry Milk, Lactic Acid, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Citric Acid, Soy Fiber, Sodium Citrate
Production Location:  Tokyo
Label Languages:  English, Japanese (I assume, though it looks like Korean)

Ah, Calpico, where have you been?  All my life I have longed for a non-carbonated soft drink.  And in original flavor, no less!

Seriously, though, there is nothing whatsoever on the can to reveal to me what in the hell this is going to taste like, excepting the ominous inclusion of nonfat dry milk in the ingredients.  “Original Flavor” is pretty meaningless.  Apparently, it’s refreshingly sweet and tangy, but that’s not really very clear. 

Of course, the picture above reveals that “Calpico” is apparently Japanese for “semen”.

Smells kind of like 7-Up.  But milkier, and more disturbing to look out.  Shit.  Here we go….

FUCK THIS STUFF.  It’s exactly like a totally flat, cheap 7-Up or Sprite imitator….with a milky aftertaste.  Honestly.  It is not refreshing, though it is sweet, and unappealingly tangy.  In a semeny sort of way.  Christ.